growing pains

it just hurts. 

You just unfriended me not even a half hour ago. I’m sitting here thinking. Crying. I feel my heart breaking. I’m picturing how our lives could have been. In all honesty I know we weren’t meant for eachother. We got along together so well. We almost fit but not quite. I never could tell if you felt the same way but I do believe somewhere in you you love me. I think we were put together on this panet during this time to find eachother and hopefully learn from eachother. It pains me to say goodbye. I told you I always will hold you in a special place in my heart and I will. I told you I would like you to stay in my life somehow even just a little bit. Hopefully this isn’t a goodbye. I can’t even remember the last word you said to me and it helps make it normal. I’ll see you again. Maybe not soon but years later we’ll run into eachother and it’ll all make sense. Thanks for setting me free. I love you and always will.

Confused

So confused.

Truths are what keeps perceptions consistent. 

Tricked myself

Happy for a blip

But I realized

My heart belongs to you

I crave your soul

You are deeply missed

I know life is meaningless. Not in a suicidal way but it just is. Nothing that happens now will matter in a few days or years time. It will eventually be forgotten. You can’t always live in the present because it’s hard to do. I’d rather be stuck in limbo than to cut you out of my life.

Self medicating

I’ve recently been prescribing myself muscle relaxers. They help me sleep at night. I need help sleeping at night because I sleep all day. I feel stuck. I don’t feel happy and when I do I feel as if it is fake. I don’t have 20 years of happy pictures of me and my friends. Partly because I can’t hold onto my friends but also because there is nothing worth documenting. I am not happy. I don’t wish to remember the times I am sad or upset or angry. As a result there are no photographs. This also makes me sad. I have no pictures because I am miserable and having no pictures makes me feel further miserable. It’s a cycle. Like my depression. A cycle I can’t break out of–either of them. 

I feel cut off from everyone. Alone all of the time. I feel like the friendships I have formed aren’t always genuine. I feel used most of the time. How can I tell if that’s the case or if I am being paranoid? Tonight I saw a picture of a girl who had eyes very similar to my own. However, hers looked happy. Even when she wasn’t smiling. Looking through her pictures made me realize I don’t have happy eyes and I never really did. Maybe it’s just who I am. 

I feel like a ghost. I am trapped in my mind. This place is just a maze and I am lost in it. I feel as if I’m suffocating. I can’t breathe. I can’t escape. No one realizes that I have been lost. That I have died a long time ago. I am cut off. I’m not good at relationships, no matter the type. Why did you have to mess up my world again. You’re just proving how much I didn’t matter to you in the first place. You’re being very selfish. Why do I miss you. Why do I feel like dying. Why. 

Sometimes I feel useless. Other times I recognize my potential but realize I lack motivation. I’m not sure how to stay inspired. I have no intrinsic values. I have no desire to better myself. I am trash. I love putting myself down. 

Who even am I?

I’m a punk kid. I wear black. I wear eyeliner. I wear combat boots.

I was a preppy kid. I went to a college prep school. I wore khakis and colored pants. I wore shirts with collars on them. 

I’m a girly girl. I keep up with trends. I like wearing makeup. I wear perfumes. 

I’m boho chic. I wear my hair long. I have little upkeep. I like things flowy. 

It’s hard to know who I am when I have all of these personalities. 

I am so enthralled that I went all the way to Chicago. I had a blast. I love doing things that I want to do. I want to keep living like I have the past couple of days. Days filled with park adventures and chasing after cute professors and road tripping to Chicago.